Well, it has to be said, I can’t hide it anymore.
Sometimes, I feel….ugly. Ok, it’s out. I know, it’s shameful and sad, and I hate that word, and I HATE feeling like that. It breaks my heart to hear someone else say that about themselves, and yet although it upsets me when it’s myself, it’s not quite the same sadness. But I don’t want to feel ugly. I don’t want to be that person.
I know I am loved, and I have many good qualities, and I know I also have some good physical features scattered about…and yet, those ugly days still come and knock me over.
I’m not going to list all the ways I sometimes feel ugly, I think that just feeds into the sadness. But there are a few specific things I need to write about. And I’m only going to write about the physical things, not any of the mental or emotional things that make me feel ugly…we’ll save those for a future blog.
First, my skin – it’s never been dewy or porcelain like or absolutely flawless, which is okay. But this past year & ½ it’s been very very bad. I’m always broken out, and I get breakouts on top of breakouts. It makes me cry, it makes me embarrassed, and it makes me feel ugly. Even if I try to apply my limited makeup expertise to it, it doesn’t help. And it’s really such a trivial thing…is everyone looking at my face all the time thinking “GROSS”? No, most likely not. And if they are, it doesn’t matter anyway. And yes, there are people with much worse physical ailments, but I’m stuck in my world and that’s what affects me. I’m hoping that the metformin medication I’m taking will help..if it doesn’t, I will just have to deal with it.
Second, my ankles. Sounds so little and trivial, yes? And yet they cause me endless amounts of stress and sadness. I used to have nice legs…although when I had them I didn’t realize it. Isn’t that always the way? With my current size, I have “cankles,” http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cankles
a hateful horrendous word for a leg that has no definition or tapering on its way to the foot…so no real calf or ankle to be seen. It was referenced in “Shallow Hal” I move I absolutely love and loathe at the same time. That alone makes me feel ugly and yucky and just plain gross. I look at my ankles and feel like an elephant. My stomach, my hips, my thighs, my ass – none of those images affect me quite the same way as my stupid ankles. But let’s add something to the unsightly ankles, yes? Let’s make them swollen!! Oh yes, that will help. I retain water in my ankles…could be from my slight sleep apnea, my weight, all kinds of causes.
Honestly, I avoid the mirror because of them. And I avoid certain shoes and outfits because I cannot bring myself to try to look cute then look in the mirror and let the whole outfit look horrible because of that area.
Oh, and I can be happy summer is coming? Sandals, capris, shorts, dresses, bathing suits…all things that I could add such a cute little flair too, except they all show off this body part that I would just prefer to keep covered up. And can I mention that there are certain shoes I can’t even wear because of my ankles? Nothing with a strap around the ankle, dear God it looks like I’m trying to choke the life out of my leg.
So here I am, dreading all upcoming social functions this summer because of this. Instead of truly letting go and having fun in the water and sun, I’ll be self conscious. I will hold myself back, and not be who I want to. And I hate being that person.
I am always so quick to try to assure people I love that they are beautiful, and have so many good qualities, and no one notices whatever body part they are obsessing over. But I can’t do the same for myself. But, what I can do is this – accept what my body is at its current state, work on what I can to make the changes I want, and to try to think about all the good things my body does for me. I don’t know if it’s enough to make me completely get over these trivial matters (because they are trivial, in my head I know that) but it’s a step, and one step at a time is the best thing I can do. So dear ankles, you and I will have to work together and try not to hate each other, deal?
(I didn’t mean for this blog to be all depressing, I meant to write about some things that make me feel beautiful, but I think that deserves a blog on all its own.)