Why are you so….”you?”

I think everyone should question who they are and why they do things, and today I am focusing on why I am fat.  Let’s go through some ideas.

Now, I’ve heard stories of various obese people who are fat and choose to stay fat for various reasons, either for the negative attention they get (it’s all attention, negative or positive) or because they don’t know who they are as a thin person.  I love attention, I crave it, but I don’t think I stay fat to get it.  I think I could get the attention I like no matter my size.  Okay, I’m an attention whore, I admit it!  Also, I don’t really think I’m complex enough to sabotage myself into staying fat just to receive negative attention.  I’m pretty simple actually.

And I think I could handle being thin, or at least smaller.  Every day I learn a little bit more about who I am, and my self-esteem is much better than it’s ever been.  So I am me, no matter my size.  I don’t think I’d lose myself if I lost weight.

I am horrible with commitments and following through, and I’m great at procrastinating, and even better at ignoring anything unpleasant.  So all those attributes lead to me not getting any results.  I’m not a horrible eater, I don’t eat 4000 calories a day, but I do put too much sugar in my coffee, I add too much dressing to my salad, and I’m a sucker for any sort of pasta.  Plus, I’m always dealing with the mentality that this is my “last” good meal, for whatever reason I think I’ll have to say goodbye to my favorites forever.  I know that’s not the truth, but it’s my crazy mind set.  Because of this, my servings are always bigger than they should be.  Healthy calories or bad, if you eat too much, it’s too much.

I would prefer to sit and read or watch a good movie or sleep in rather than get up early and go hiking, or take the dogs around for another lap in the dog park.  It’s hard on my body to exercise, so I don’t like it….but I need to so that it’s NOT hard on my body.  Altogether now, everyone repeat “Vicious cycle!”  But, exercise has gotten slightly better since I’ve admitted I don’t like it.  There isn’t so much guilt, and I’m no longer waiting to become “THE GIRL WHO LIKES TO EXERCISE.”  Yikes, do I have to refer to myself as a woman now that I’m a year older?

As of right now, there aren’t really any medical reasons that make me obese.  I have symptoms that could lead to me having PCOS, but I don’t have it yet.  My body works and I only have a few aches and pains in various places, but nothing that keeps me from doing what I need to.  If anything, the aches are showing me how bad my body COULD become without exercising and weight loss. 

Heredity?  Yes, all the women in my family are big.  But I don’t think that means I have to be, or even should be.  Maybe I have to work a little harder than other women with freaky genetic makeup that makes them have a crazy fast metabolism, but that’s okay if I do.

Have I really come up with any reason for being fat?  Yes, I think I can admit that I’m fat because of me.  It’s not a happy realization, but it’s the truth, and that actually makes me happy.  It also helps me realize that I’m in control, and that it’s all up to me.  And I believe in me, which is good to realize.