I used to compare myself to slim women, now I find that I compare myself to large women. Really? Is this necessary? Why do I feel the need to compare myself to anyone at all? It took me a long time to get over always comparing myself to every single slim woman I saw. I really had to get over myself, and I had to learn to love who I was. But then I seemed to get into the habit of comparing myself to larger woman, because that would be acceptable, since we are the same, yes? No lovelies, not true at all!!! I will look and get jealous if they have nice legs while being fat, or if their rolls are more contained, or the deadly Spanx works on them in ways it doesn’t for me. But that’s not okay! I CANNOT and SHOULD NOT compare myself with anyone.
I recently did a little trip down memory lane on facebook to prepare for my 36th birthday. For 36 days, I posted a picture of me starting when I was baby and working up through the years. It was fun, but also quite mind opening. I looked at the pictures of when I was a teenager or in my early 20’s, and I had conflicting emotions. I thought “I was so pretty and so much smaller back then, but I hated who I was.” It makes me sad in a lot of ways, but happy in others. Yes, I was weighing in at a much smaller number, yet I thought I was fat back then. And I really didn’t like myself at all, I had no self esteem and the concept of self worth was totally missing. I didn’t treat myself very well, and I would constantly think horrible and mean thoughts about myself. I was hateful to myself.
I would love to be back to that shape again. I had curves and a bit of padding on my frame, and it looked good. I won’t be skinny, ever, and I’m happy with that. I would like to be healthier and curvier and at a lower weight though. And no matter my size, weight, or scale number, I need to enjoy who I am and be happy with myself. My size does not define me, nor my opinion of who I truly am.
Do I want to be that person I was 16 years ago? No, not at all. I was so extremely unhappy and mean to myself. Now, I’m pretty happy with who I am, most of the time. I have days where I get angry with myself or don’t like who I am, but the moments are fleeting and I can usually figure out a specific reason why I’m feeling that way, at that moment. And if I catch myself saying something horrible to the inner me, I make myself shut up and think about what I like about myself. I deserve to love myself and everyday I’m getting better at it. And I actually have more days of liking myself and enjoying myself.
Sometimes I wish I could back and visit that girl I used to be, to tell her how sad she makes me now, and that she doesn’t have to feel so horrible about who she is. And I would tell her that she will become an awesome woman who is smart and funny and creative, and that she will surround herself with people who see her true beauty. I would tell her that she needs to believe in her strength, that she has WAY more than she believes. I would tell her she deserves love, especially from herself.