Category Archives: Self Esteem

It’s a deer and sunny day

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Happy St Patrick’s Day!  (a day late.) I don’t wear green on St Patrick’s day.  My mom always said that everyone who isn’t Irish should wear green because they want to be Irish, and so those of us who are Irish, don’t need to wear it.  You argue with my mom about it, if you want.

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Shirt – Thrifted (forgot to look at label)/camisole, jeans – Torrid/boots – Catherines/necklace – SheInside

So, I have boots that fit!  But….they sadly sag during the day and I get baggy ankles.  and this happens with all of my boots.  I guess I should be happy that I can find boots that fit my fat calves, but it’s annoying to have to pull them up like socks all day long.  I guess I could tape rulers inside of them, total DIY experiment, but I’m guessing that would be uncomfortable and also not very effective.  Anyone have any suggestions for sagging boots?

look at the difference from picture 1 to picture 2.  I had to pull up the stupid boots like socks.  POOR ME

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So, I could be talking about all kinds of stuff going on with me, like why I’ve stopped my healthy eating plan even though it was effective, why I feel the need to sabotage everything I do, why I feel lazy all the time, how I feel about losing a friend my own age, how it feels to be approaching my 40th birthday…but I’m not ready to write about any of that.

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So instead, I will write about…..Target!  Yes, that lovely store where you go for one item and come out with 10 more items and $200 poorer.  Most of you probably don’t know what Target is currently up to, I’m not talking about the photoshopping incident, or the manatee incident, or even the pregnant = fat incident. (Wait, why do I shop at Target?) No, I’m talking about the general disappearance of all plus-size clothes in all Targets.

In early January, most Targets in the US cleared out their entire plus-size section.  Some had clearance items, some moved maternity into, some just stayed empty.  Some of the stores had signs up saying “Women’s Plus: Countdown to new.  Women’s Plus collection arriving early February.”  And that was it.

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As time passed with nothing appearing in the stores, shoppers would ask sales associates who would say “it’s coming.”  Facebook questions would all get generic answers telling people that the items were coming, and to shop online in the meantime.  Online shopping isn’t convenient for everyone.  Every garment fits differently, sometimes the fabric isn’t what you want, etc.  Also, you have to pay to ship items back, so it’s not very cost-effective.

So, it’s now the middle of March, and there are still no plus-size clothes in the Target stores, and no actual answers or responses from Target, other than “It’s coming.”

Now, the main reason that this irks me is that Target would never consider clearing out any other section and telling shoppers to wait for new items.  Straight sizes, men’s, children’s, even maternity – they would never just empty the entire section and leave nothing there and tell shoppers to be patient.  But if you are a fatty, then it shouldn’t matter, and you should just shop online and never show your face again, apparently.

I realize Target isn’t the best quality, but they were reasonable priced and were slowly getting some really cute items in plus-size.  Although, whenever they have one of their special designers, they never have any of those designs in plus-size either.  I just find this whole incident to be insulting and frustrating.  It’s hard to find cute plus-size clothes that I can also actually afford.

There is a Facebook group you can check out if you are also frustrated by all of this.  I’m sure it’s not a big deal to a lot people, especially if you don’t have to shop in plus-size sections or clothes.  But when you are constantly judged because of your weight and trying to have a healthy image about yourself, appearance does matter, and clothes contribute to how you portray yourselves to others and how they perceive you.

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And this look on my face?  I’m unhappy with how the pictures turned out.  Apparently shooting through a dirty window with chocolate smeared on my phone screen was not the way to go?

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I know, right?

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yeah, it’s been how long?  you can count if you want to, I just know it’s been MONTHS since I’ve posted.  Sometimes being in a funk lasts way too long.  Did you miss me?  I missed me!!!

So, no outfit pics today, although I have been wearing them, and they’ve been fabulous, of course.

Just wanted to do a quick check in.

Also, have you met the Militant Baker?  She’s quite awesome.  She also has a great Facebook page, if that’s more your style.  She recently wrote about what google says about fat shamming (or any body shaming) and created some great ads against it.  Then a whole wonderful bunch of her readers also created some.  Fabulous!!!

I created one, I think it’s just ok, but they were all so good!  you should go check them out!

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Never too late

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Well, you are in for a treat, a treat I say!

Working on my awkward smile, and now I have some crazy expressions.

1 laughing again Tunic – Essentials by Milano (Consignment) / Boots – thrifted / Leggings, bracelets – Torrid / Necklace – Consignment

See, I told you.  Apparently I was just ecstatic to be taking these photos.

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Actually, I was in a pretty good mood.  I had an appointment with my weight loss doctor, and he was very supportive and inspiring.  We talked about my yo-yo self-esteem.  When I get in one of my funks, and start feeling like crap, that just causes me to feel like crap.  I feel like crap because I feel like crap!  Crazy, yes?

1 one hip cute  I’ve been able talk myself out these moods before, but lately it’s been a bit harder.  So we decided my new mantra will be “I am powerful.”  While we were talking, I was actually able to say that, and he said my face just lit up.  It was a really good feeling.  I also get the feeling that you might also be powerful.  Enough about you, back to me.

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1 hips ok The only thing that ever gets in my way, or discourages me, or sabotages me is myself.  And that’s it, every single time.  I need to get out of my own head, and I need to be more powerful than what I tell myself I am.

1 hips cute 1 head cocky I can be different than I allow myself to be.  I just have to do it.  I am more than a size or weight or age or single belief.  One of my favorite quotes is “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”  I have to believe that.

1 hands down ok 1 smileOOOh, I went running last night too.  Well, run/walk.  But I think I am actually seeing a bit of improvement.  I’m nowhere near running a 5K, can’t even manage one mile yet, but it’s on the horizon!.

1 jewelry And are you just LOVING the expressions in today’s photos?  So goofy!

Toothally awesome

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You can thank my brother Joe for the title of this post.

And I obviously have a problem with consistency.

Back in the day, when I was in grade school, we had a big slide that we would run up during recess.  One day while I was running up it, I fell on it face first and cracked my front tooth.  Half of the tooth broke off.  I got it repaired, thankfully, and stopped running up the slide.

Over the years, the false part of my tooth started to stain from coffee, pop, whatever.  I started to get very self-conscious of it.  Little kids would ask me about it, and I felt like when I smiled, people were looking at it and wondering.  It was my very front tooth after all!

I started smiling with my mouth closed, and would try to cover my mouth when I laughed.  I didn’t always remember to be self-conscious, but enough that it soon became more natural to hide it than to forget about it.  If you look back at most of my posts, my mouth is usually closed.

A few years ago I asked my dentist about getting fixed.  He said that it was considered cosmetic, so insurance wouldn’t cover any of it, and it would cost at least $1000-$1200.  Not a lot for some people, but that was a lot for me.  I tried saving but of course just could never save up that amount, or least couldn’t justify spending that amount all at once.

Kind of forgot about it and kept smiling with my mouth shut, until a couple of months, I was answering some questions on a blog post, and I mentioned how I would love to get my tooth fixed.  I never really talked to family or friends about it, I figured it was just something I had to deal with and didn’t want to make a big deal about it.  So, I finished my post and blogged it, and promptly forgot about it.

A few nights later, boyfriend Steven and I are watching TV and both on our computers.  I get an email from the boyfriend which says how proud he is of me for all my hard work, and that he would like to pay for my tooth.  So very sweet and touching and unexpected.  First, I loved that he emailed me while we sitting there together.  Second, I knew he read my posts sometimes, but it was still a surprise, especially since I had forgotten I had even mentioned it!

I went to the dentist to discuss it, and the dentist told me that because it was actually breaking down and so old that the insurance would pay for part of it.  Joy!  I ended up getting a brand new replacement crown, after hours of torture…not really, but I did have to bite down on a piece of gauze for 5 minutes, and if you know anything about me, you should know that I DETEST having fabric or materials in my mouth, and especially hate having to bite down on it.  SHUDDER

It was still quite a bit of money, and I haven’t been able to truly express to Steven how much his gift means to me.  I’ve been trying to reteach myself to smile without covering it up, and without being self-conscious.  It’s very hard but it’s a good kind of difficulty.  I know it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme, and that it’s pretty much all vanity on my part, but I did have issues with it.

I was always jealous of beautiful smiles I saw everywhere.  I hated when I would forget in a picture and then all I would see was my ugly front tooth.  When I was talking to friends about it, most said “I never even noticed your front tooth!”  Very sweet and supportive.  But, we all have our own issues, and we all have appearance issues.  This was a major one for me.  Sometimes I could forget about it, and other times it would make me extremely sad.  I realize that might not make sense, for it to be forgotten about sometimes and a major issue other times, but it’s true.   That’s just how I am!

Sorry for the wordy post, just felt the need to explain some of this.

Seriously though – learning how to smile again?  It’s really a wonderful experience.  When the dentist handed me the mirror to see my new tooth, I actually cried, and made the dental assistant tear up a bit too.  Argh, I’m a bit teary now.  Shut up.

Ready for cheese?  First picture shows the old tooth, which is actually a bit hard to see.  Second picture is a major goofy picture sporting the new tooth.  And please ignore how truly weird I look in both pics.  You are looking at the teeth only!

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An extra coating please and thank you

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Oh so very happy with the election results….Obama, Elizabeth Warren, Ref 74 here in Washington State.  YAY!!!

Well, onto other issues, namely my outfit!

Boots – Lane Bryant / Leggings – Torrid / Shirt – Mossimo (via Consignment Shop) / Coat – Style&Co (via Consignment)

Back in the day, I SO wanted a coat like this.  I mean, I really really wanted it, seemed like every girl I went to school with had something similar.  But I had my coat for the year, and couldn’t really justify asking my parents for a new one.  My parents worked hard, and made sure we wore trendy stuff as much as possible, and made sure we were able to pick out what we wanted whenever possible.  So I certainly was never lacking or felt like I didn’t measure up.  But I never did get my coat.  Of course, I never even mentioned it to my parents, I would have felt guilty!

Amazing how getting something you wanted 25 years ago can STILL make you happy.

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And this tunic/dress – this thing did not fit me very well a few months ago.  It was a bit too tight and would constantly ride up on me, and would be stretched in the chestal area and so I just couldn’t wear it.  And now look!!  Woohoo!!

Had another monthly check-in at Swedish Weight Loss services today, and my total weight loss is 26.3 so far, which was a major shock.  That’s 7 pounds since the last check-in.  Mostly surprised because I got sick last month and gained some weight back, then had to lose it again, and it just seems like the weight loss is slower.  But it was an awesome surprise, and it’s nice when clothes fit me better.

I’m also feeling better. I’m not so sluggish throughout the day and I have a bit more energy.  I still can’t really tell that I’ve lost weight, but I’m finally getting some clothes that fit differently.  I’m very proud of myself for not giving up, and even though I still make bad choices sometimes, it’s not every day, and for the most part, I’m consistent.

If any foolio tries to tell you that weight loss is easy, they are full of it.  Don’t believe them.  It sucks.  It’s hard and makes you feel like crap, and you doubt yourself and feel ugly and worthless and that you can’t accomplish anything.  You can go from feeling elated to being depressed in just a few moments.  That’s why loving yourself ALL THE TIME is important.  Self-esteem is important in every aspect of your life, whether you are trying to lose weight or be creative or just trying to get through the day-to-day of your life.  Love yourself, and don’t doubt your abilities.

Be healthy, be happy

Can we give a shoutout to the consignment stores?  I love Two Big Blondes and for these reasons – they sell plus size, they change their stock constantly, and they aren’t rude to customers.  I have a consignment store in my neighborhood, much closer than 2BB, but I never go there because I get treated so poorly.  Their plus-size selection is one rack, and they do NOT like to help the bigger customers (I’m talking to you Funky Janes!!!)

And the other consignment stores in the neighborhood are ok, but again, their selection is way too small, it’s not even worth it.  They are much more polite though.  In fact, when I actually bought an item at this consignment store, the clerk said “Oh, I hope that you’ll be back, especially now that you found ‘your section’ ”  These last 2 words were said in a stage whisper.  I am assuming she meant the not so popular plus-sizes.  I just laughed, while my mom was insulted for me.  The woman didn’t know any better, she thought she was being polite.

Funny story about the coat – I went to a “bag sale” at 2BB.  Have you ever done this?  I was lucky to get out with all of my fingers.  You pay $5 for a garbage bag, and whatever you can put into it, you keep.  The women there are crazy!  I had no time to actually look at sizes or try things on, so I just grabbed stuff as I saw it.  I’m sure if there had been curtains hanging there, I would have ended up with those.  I actually got some great stuff for not really knowing what I was grabbing, this coat being one such item.

Me trying to be cute – does NOT come across in this goofy picture

So dated

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Dress – Angie (from consignment) / Boots, leggings – Lane Bryant / Flower pin – made by my friend Brenna

This dress reminds me of something Winona Ryder would have worn in the 90s.  All I needed to complete the look – a black choker necklace, hair wraps, and my black Doc Martens.  (And do you think I could actually find a decent picture of her wearing anything similar?  Apparently I have no real concept of 90s fashion…I TOLD you I was numb during the 90s.)  BUT after writing this post, I saw this blog post and it totally shows what I’m talking about!!  VINDICATED

Not what I was going for, meh

This is another find at the consignment shop, Two Big Blondes.  Brand name is Angie, which I know absolutely nothing about, except that you can’t even access their website unless you are a current customer.  Apparently I totally scored on this dress.

I totally love the pattern and draw string neckline.  The tiny little silver parts on the end of the ties jingle all day long, so I couldn’t sneak up at anyone at work if I wanted to. I don’t sneak up on people at work, but it’s nice to have the option.

And these boots!!!  They fit!  And you are saying “Of course they fit, why would you buy items that don’t fit?”  Well, Miss Attitude, if you must know – months ago I ordered a bunch of boots from Lane Bryant. I was too lazy to go shopping physically, and even though I hate online shopping, I figured I could return whatever didn’t fit.  All 3 pairs didn’t fit, but it took me another 2 months to get ready to return them. I decided to return these ones, and keep the other ones, because I could use the Boot Bands on those.  I tried these on one last time though, and they zipped further than they had before, so I said “F*ck it, I’ll keep them.”  And today they zipped all the way up!

It’s exciting!  It’s seriously hard to find wide calf boots that fit, are cute, and not totally expensive.  It has made me sad on numerous occasions.

Also, in this previous post, I tried to talk about promoting a healthy love of one’s self, while also justifying losing weight.  I’m not sure I did a good job of it.  WORDS ARE HARD.  But the gorgeous gal over at French Toast is Vegan totally nailed it in this post.

A half marathon almost killed me.

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Ok, I have been very very lame in posting.  I am sorry!

 

Yesterday was the half marathon down in Vancouver.  I really had a lot of apprehension about doing it.  I had started training earlier in the year and was doing well, then I just stopped.  I started again about 2 months ago, but my heart wasn’t in it.

Then I had to decide if I still wanted to go and try the marathon or just give up all together and wait for another one.  I knew I wouldn’t complete it, and it seemed like a big effort for something I wouldn’t even finish.  But, I have many wonderful friends and family and everyone was so supportive and they helped me realize that it would be good for me to go.

So, Steve and I drove down yesterday morning, leaving at 4:30 in the morning.  We met our friend Deb there, and I did it!  I completed 7 miles of the 13.1 and I’m pretty happy with that.  It was farther than I thought I would go!  And my friend Deb completed the entire race!!  So proud of her.

I am very very sore today and tired, but happy.  Being overweight, it’s hard for me to feel comfortable doing events like marathons or anything relating to health and exercise.  I feel like people are judging me, but I also know I’m not in great shape, so I wonder myself why I am doing it.  It’s a hard mental state to get over.   There was a huge variety of ages and shapes and sizes at the marathon yesterday, it was excellent.

I am still learning that the only stereotypes I need to overcome are the ones I have myself.  It doesn’t matter if I’m fat, or short, or a female, or a redhead, I can do what I want and I can try to do everything.  I may not succeed, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try.

So, my next goal – I’d love to actually complete a half marathon!!!

Oh, and an update with my Swedish Weight Loss program (wrote about it in my last blog.)

I’m doing pretty well…down about 20 pounds so far.  It’s slowly getting easier.  Tracking food is still annoying, but I’m seeing success and it’s good.  The best thing is that I believe in myself, and believe that I can do what I need to make myself healthy.

Did I mention how crazy sore I am?  I mean, in places you wouldn’t even believe, like the back of my knees.