Category Archives: Weight Loss

Never too late

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Well, you are in for a treat, a treat I say!

Working on my awkward smile, and now I have some crazy expressions.

1 laughing again Tunic – Essentials by Milano (Consignment) / Boots – thrifted / Leggings, bracelets – Torrid / Necklace – Consignment

See, I told you.  Apparently I was just ecstatic to be taking these photos.

1 silly

Actually, I was in a pretty good mood.  I had an appointment with my weight loss doctor, and he was very supportive and inspiring.  We talked about my yo-yo self-esteem.  When I get in one of my funks, and start feeling like crap, that just causes me to feel like crap.  I feel like crap because I feel like crap!  Crazy, yes?

1 one hip cute  I’ve been able talk myself out these moods before, but lately it’s been a bit harder.  So we decided my new mantra will be “I am powerful.”  While we were talking, I was actually able to say that, and he said my face just lit up.  It was a really good feeling.  I also get the feeling that you might also be powerful.  Enough about you, back to me.

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1 hips ok The only thing that ever gets in my way, or discourages me, or sabotages me is myself.  And that’s it, every single time.  I need to get out of my own head, and I need to be more powerful than what I tell myself I am.

1 hips cute 1 head cocky I can be different than I allow myself to be.  I just have to do it.  I am more than a size or weight or age or single belief.  One of my favorite quotes is “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”  I have to believe that.

1 hands down ok 1 smileOOOh, I went running last night too.  Well, run/walk.  But I think I am actually seeing a bit of improvement.  I’m nowhere near running a 5K, can’t even manage one mile yet, but it’s on the horizon!.

1 jewelry And are you just LOVING the expressions in today’s photos?  So goofy!

An extra coating please and thank you

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Oh so very happy with the election results….Obama, Elizabeth Warren, Ref 74 here in Washington State.  YAY!!!

Well, onto other issues, namely my outfit!

Boots – Lane Bryant / Leggings – Torrid / Shirt – Mossimo (via Consignment Shop) / Coat – Style&Co (via Consignment)

Back in the day, I SO wanted a coat like this.  I mean, I really really wanted it, seemed like every girl I went to school with had something similar.  But I had my coat for the year, and couldn’t really justify asking my parents for a new one.  My parents worked hard, and made sure we wore trendy stuff as much as possible, and made sure we were able to pick out what we wanted whenever possible.  So I certainly was never lacking or felt like I didn’t measure up.  But I never did get my coat.  Of course, I never even mentioned it to my parents, I would have felt guilty!

Amazing how getting something you wanted 25 years ago can STILL make you happy.

HA!!

And this tunic/dress – this thing did not fit me very well a few months ago.  It was a bit too tight and would constantly ride up on me, and would be stretched in the chestal area and so I just couldn’t wear it.  And now look!!  Woohoo!!

Had another monthly check-in at Swedish Weight Loss services today, and my total weight loss is 26.3 so far, which was a major shock.  That’s 7 pounds since the last check-in.  Mostly surprised because I got sick last month and gained some weight back, then had to lose it again, and it just seems like the weight loss is slower.  But it was an awesome surprise, and it’s nice when clothes fit me better.

I’m also feeling better. I’m not so sluggish throughout the day and I have a bit more energy.  I still can’t really tell that I’ve lost weight, but I’m finally getting some clothes that fit differently.  I’m very proud of myself for not giving up, and even though I still make bad choices sometimes, it’s not every day, and for the most part, I’m consistent.

If any foolio tries to tell you that weight loss is easy, they are full of it.  Don’t believe them.  It sucks.  It’s hard and makes you feel like crap, and you doubt yourself and feel ugly and worthless and that you can’t accomplish anything.  You can go from feeling elated to being depressed in just a few moments.  That’s why loving yourself ALL THE TIME is important.  Self-esteem is important in every aspect of your life, whether you are trying to lose weight or be creative or just trying to get through the day-to-day of your life.  Love yourself, and don’t doubt your abilities.

Be healthy, be happy

Can we give a shoutout to the consignment stores?  I love Two Big Blondes and for these reasons – they sell plus size, they change their stock constantly, and they aren’t rude to customers.  I have a consignment store in my neighborhood, much closer than 2BB, but I never go there because I get treated so poorly.  Their plus-size selection is one rack, and they do NOT like to help the bigger customers (I’m talking to you Funky Janes!!!)

And the other consignment stores in the neighborhood are ok, but again, their selection is way too small, it’s not even worth it.  They are much more polite though.  In fact, when I actually bought an item at this consignment store, the clerk said “Oh, I hope that you’ll be back, especially now that you found ‘your section’ ”  These last 2 words were said in a stage whisper.  I am assuming she meant the not so popular plus-sizes.  I just laughed, while my mom was insulted for me.  The woman didn’t know any better, she thought she was being polite.

Funny story about the coat – I went to a “bag sale” at 2BB.  Have you ever done this?  I was lucky to get out with all of my fingers.  You pay $5 for a garbage bag, and whatever you can put into it, you keep.  The women there are crazy!  I had no time to actually look at sizes or try things on, so I just grabbed stuff as I saw it.  I’m sure if there had been curtains hanging there, I would have ended up with those.  I actually got some great stuff for not really knowing what I was grabbing, this coat being one such item.

Me trying to be cute – does NOT come across in this goofy picture

So dated

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Dress – Angie (from consignment) / Boots, leggings – Lane Bryant / Flower pin – made by my friend Brenna

This dress reminds me of something Winona Ryder would have worn in the 90s.  All I needed to complete the look – a black choker necklace, hair wraps, and my black Doc Martens.  (And do you think I could actually find a decent picture of her wearing anything similar?  Apparently I have no real concept of 90s fashion…I TOLD you I was numb during the 90s.)  BUT after writing this post, I saw this blog post and it totally shows what I’m talking about!!  VINDICATED

Not what I was going for, meh

This is another find at the consignment shop, Two Big Blondes.  Brand name is Angie, which I know absolutely nothing about, except that you can’t even access their website unless you are a current customer.  Apparently I totally scored on this dress.

I totally love the pattern and draw string neckline.  The tiny little silver parts on the end of the ties jingle all day long, so I couldn’t sneak up at anyone at work if I wanted to. I don’t sneak up on people at work, but it’s nice to have the option.

And these boots!!!  They fit!  And you are saying “Of course they fit, why would you buy items that don’t fit?”  Well, Miss Attitude, if you must know – months ago I ordered a bunch of boots from Lane Bryant. I was too lazy to go shopping physically, and even though I hate online shopping, I figured I could return whatever didn’t fit.  All 3 pairs didn’t fit, but it took me another 2 months to get ready to return them. I decided to return these ones, and keep the other ones, because I could use the Boot Bands on those.  I tried these on one last time though, and they zipped further than they had before, so I said “F*ck it, I’ll keep them.”  And today they zipped all the way up!

It’s exciting!  It’s seriously hard to find wide calf boots that fit, are cute, and not totally expensive.  It has made me sad on numerous occasions.

Also, in this previous post, I tried to talk about promoting a healthy love of one’s self, while also justifying losing weight.  I’m not sure I did a good job of it.  WORDS ARE HARD.  But the gorgeous gal over at French Toast is Vegan totally nailed it in this post.

A half marathon almost killed me.

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Ok, I have been very very lame in posting.  I am sorry!

 

Yesterday was the half marathon down in Vancouver.  I really had a lot of apprehension about doing it.  I had started training earlier in the year and was doing well, then I just stopped.  I started again about 2 months ago, but my heart wasn’t in it.

Then I had to decide if I still wanted to go and try the marathon or just give up all together and wait for another one.  I knew I wouldn’t complete it, and it seemed like a big effort for something I wouldn’t even finish.  But, I have many wonderful friends and family and everyone was so supportive and they helped me realize that it would be good for me to go.

So, Steve and I drove down yesterday morning, leaving at 4:30 in the morning.  We met our friend Deb there, and I did it!  I completed 7 miles of the 13.1 and I’m pretty happy with that.  It was farther than I thought I would go!  And my friend Deb completed the entire race!!  So proud of her.

I am very very sore today and tired, but happy.  Being overweight, it’s hard for me to feel comfortable doing events like marathons or anything relating to health and exercise.  I feel like people are judging me, but I also know I’m not in great shape, so I wonder myself why I am doing it.  It’s a hard mental state to get over.   There was a huge variety of ages and shapes and sizes at the marathon yesterday, it was excellent.

I am still learning that the only stereotypes I need to overcome are the ones I have myself.  It doesn’t matter if I’m fat, or short, or a female, or a redhead, I can do what I want and I can try to do everything.  I may not succeed, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try.

So, my next goal – I’d love to actually complete a half marathon!!!

Oh, and an update with my Swedish Weight Loss program (wrote about it in my last blog.)

I’m doing pretty well…down about 20 pounds so far.  It’s slowly getting easier.  Tracking food is still annoying, but I’m seeing success and it’s good.  The best thing is that I believe in myself, and believe that I can do what I need to make myself healthy.

Did I mention how crazy sore I am?  I mean, in places you wouldn’t even believe, like the back of my knees.

 

My new journey with Swedish

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Very long post……forgive??  I have inserted pictures throughout that have absolutely nothing to do with this post to break up the long rambling thoughts.

I am starting a new eating/weight loss program through Swedish Weight Loss Services.

Now, have I talked about being big but trying to have good self-esteem before?

It can get confusing.

First, let me state this – Fat does NOT always equal unhealthy, just like skinny does NOT always equal healthy.  Healthy and unhealthy run in all shapes and sizes.  I just happen to be fat and unhealthy.

I try to promote positive body image, self love, good self-esteem, and being kind to yourself.  Some people think this means I should be happy exactly how I am.  And I’m mostly happy, except that I know that I am unhealthy.  I’m not unhappy that I’m fat, I’m unhappy that I treat my body so badly.  I’m unhappy that I can feel myself destroying my body with the choices I make.  I make bad choices, and I don’t treat my body well, which has resulted in me being overweight.

I was not taking care of myself, and that makes it hard to feel good about myself.

Now, let’s say that I start eating better and exercising and I don’t lose weight, but my body feels better.  Great!  My self-esteem will probably sky-rocket!  I need to do what I can for myself, before I can’t do anything.

my awesome t-shirt

Do I love myself now?  Yes.  Will I still love myself if I lose 10 pounds?  Yes.  100 pounds?  Most likely.  But I will still struggle with self-esteem my entire life, and that’s ok.  I change, my body changes, my feelings change, that’s what life is all about.

So, onto the program:

First, I had to tell myself a few things right at the beginning – it’s ok to make mistakes.  It’s ok to learn as I go.  It’s ok to be unsure about what I am doing.

For a quick breakdown, here is what the plan I am following:

1300-1500 calories per day

130-150 grams of protein minimum

50-80 grams carb maximum

8 glasses water

take my vitamins

Before, I was eating about 2200 calories a day.  And my BMI is 44.5….wowza!

When I start new things, I have a tendency to freak out and totally give up if I can’t do it right, or if I think it’s too hard.  WIth this program, I do have to plan, I have to be ready ahead of time, I have to research which foods are better for me, and I have to track my food.  All things I don’t like to do. But, these are things that I AM capable of doing, if I just don’t sabotage myself.  Also, it helps if I don’t expect it to happen for me magically.  Seriously, it’s like I expect the fridge to be stocked with the rights food with no effort on my part.

My reflection at The Japanese Gardens

So, first day of tracking my food and I’m slowly starting to get worried and freaked out.  Why?  My calories are already off, I’ve already gone over my carb limit, and I still need lots of protein.  And I’m hungry, even though I’m eating every 3 hours.  OH NO I’M DOING IT ALL WRONG!!!  So, I mentally slapped myself across the face and made myself calm down.  Then I made some decisions.

1. It’s ok to make mistake (as stated above.)

2. I’m on a learning curve, so I need to give myself some time to learn and to adjust.  It’s a change, so it’s ok if it doesn’t come naturally at first.

3. I will make small changes at first.  Looking for higher protein/lower carb options.  Good!  preparing smaller portions.  Good!  Eating more often.  Good!

4.  I will NOT freak out about my calories being over limit in these first few weeks.  As long as they are under 2200, I think that’s great.  If they are in my limit, even better.  But I’m not going to let that be the biggest hurdle right now.

5.  I have to remember – what I’m doing now is WAY better than what I was doing before, so it’s ok to goof up and make mistakes and learn.  I’m improving.

It really can be exhausting trying to improve one’s self.  Thank goodness I don’t have much improving to do…HA!!!  But I really feel I’m at a good point to be making these changes.

I’m excited about this program.  I have a great doctor to work with and friends that are also following the program.  I feel confident this time.  I think I know what my limitations and my issues are, so I’m ready to deal with those.

Although I do wish pie was higher in protein than in carbs.

My lovely dogs playing at Deception Pass

Walk the walk, talk the….eh, whatev

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(Random related pics thrown in throughout to break up my blathering.  Look at the pretty colors!!)

Well, now I’ve gone and done it.

I signed up for the half marathon in October.  Here’s the info if anyone is interested.

After I signed up, I had a bit of a mini freak-out.  Mostly thoughts like “Are you crazy?  You can’t possibly complete that.”  and so on.  But we’ll get to all that.

I also went and got new walking shoes, so I could act like I was serious.  Can I just give a shout out to Super Jock n Jill?  They are so incredibly helpful there, and I didn’t feel any judgement at all, which I worry about sometimes with athletic stores.  Yes, it’s a horrible prejudice of mine, I need to get over it.

The next day, I started walking.  I barely made a mile, and I felt like crap.  I don’t know if you’ve read any of my previous posts, but I have issues with my legs, mostly my calves.  They are so extremely weak, and they cramp up and get sore really easily.  It actually affects me quite a bit.  (Read my hiking post.)  So after my first walk, I was quite sad and angry and feeling so very bad.  And I was ready to just quit, then and there.

I want these.

But, I thought “Hey, I have months to train, and I knew I was out of shape, so I’ll keep trying.”  It’s not like I’ve never walked anywhere.  We’ve walked around Greenlake many times, and that’s over 3 miles.  But I was also having trouble with those walks.

My plan is to walk every other day, and to try to increase my distance a little bit each time.  I am really worried about injuring myself or causing damage, so I’m taking it slow slow slow.   I’m not worried about my speed at this point, I’m just trying to build up some strength and endurance.  It’s been 2 weeks now, and I actually hit 4 miles on my last walk, although I didn’t mean to go quite that far, but my bladder had another idea, so I was forced into walking extra blocks!

Now, during these 2 weeks, I’ve run the gamut of emotions while walking.  We’ve already seen the “Are you crazy” feelings, and trust me, those have not diminished, they are just overshadowed by some of the other emotions.  I have been angry with my body for being so weak, and angry at myself for letting myself get so out of shape.  Seriously, walking up a small hill should not leave me that breathless.

I have also felt so sad.  Sad that I get so angry with myself, sad that I’m so unhealthy, and sad that I haven’t treated myself better.

But, they aren’t all negative emotions!  When I walk a bit farther one night than the previous night, I get so excited and happy and think “Hey, maybe it’s possible….maybe I can do a half marathon with a few years to plan for it.”  Ha!  Or I think “I am not at my healthiest, but I can still move and I can endure and I can get stronger, it is possible.”  And of course, I am trying to do something way out of my comfort zone, so that’s good also.

The weirdest thing about all of these emotions is that I can experience ALL of the within an hour.  It’s a bit overwhelming.  Add that to being sore and tired when I finally get home, and I’m ready to start crying from it all.  And I still have moments of wanting to just stop.  Just give up.  Not explain to anyone, but just to stop.

But….all in all, it’s a positive experience so far.  I feel like I’m being consistent, which I have major trouble with.  I feel like I’m improving too, which is exciting for me.  I also am feeling a bit content that I’m working towards a goal….I really need to work towards something and then actually finish it.

Although, I didn’t expect to be sore in my arse!!  Seriously, before it’s only been my back and calf muscles that hurt after this kind of stuff, but now it’s my bum!  And my thighs.  And my back and calf muscles.  So sad, just a sign of me getting older.  It’s actually my 20 year high school reunion this year….madness!!

And I’m not usually sore the day after I walk, but 2 days after.  But I’m getting less sore as time goes on.  This probably makes perfect sense to you, you are probably thinking “Of course you are getting less sore, you are building up strength and your body is adapting, that is what happens when you train.  Gosh Erin, for a smart girl you sure can be dumb.”  But in my mind, I keep thinking of how out of shape I am, and that my body should be rejecting every attempt to achieve this, thus being sore constantly and MORE sore the more I do.  Seriously, I’m shocked about this whole thing.  I’m still waiting to get so sore that I can’t even move.

So…..now you know what I’m thinking about as I walk around the neighborhood.  It’s always such a relief to get home and take off my shoes, because I’m usually SO exhausted by then.  But a few hours later, hey, I’m not feeling too bad.

AND!!!  One last thing – I rejoined a gym.  I’ve done gym memberships, even being consistent for months, but I kind of just made up my own routine.  But now I get to use a trainer and have him show me how to strength train, and I won’t have to guess and do it wrong and then get mad that I have no results and blame the machines.  Stupid machines, I hate you for not perfecting my body this instant!!!   The gym is in my work building, it’s quite convenient!  And I get 3 free training session!  Woo hoo for ME!

And do you think I have lost any weight during these last 2 weeks?  If you do, then you are wrong!  I’m not doing it to lose weight, but gosh darn, that would be a nice extra.  And yeah, I know the whole “muscle weighs more than fat” idea, but tell that to the scale!

And although I’m a walker, and not a runner, this last picture cracks me up every single time.

Skulls and shadows, in a cute sort of way

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I actually don’t like the first picture so much, but it shows how cute the skirt is on this dress.  Are you seeing how cute it is?  And it’s actually just a bunch of cutie pie skulls.  Sorry for the shadows, but shadows happen in life, yes?

I did something very new last night, and I wasn’t even going to write about it, but I feel like I should.  I went to my very first Overeaters Anonymous meeting.  I really didn’t know what to expect and had put off doing it for at least a year.  I don’t know what finally pushed me to check it out, but I went.

I realized I write a about my body and exercising, but not so much about my eating.  It’s very private to me actually, and I have a lot of issues with it.  I also think other people judge me a lot based on my eating.  True or not, that’s how I feel , and it can be unfair to others, but it also affects how I eat, and my thoughts about eating.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  I’ve known it for a while, but haven’t addressed it.  I am hoping that OA will help me with that.  I think I am going to keep going to the meetings and will get a sponsor also.  It’s hard to admit that I need it and that I’m going to these meetings, but I need to be honest on my blog.  I write it for myself, but there’s a possibility that it might help someone else, so honesty is a necessity.  Besides, it’s not called My Big Fat Lying Blog.

It was a small group, only 7 people.  Men and women, various ages and sexual orientation.  They were all so welcoming and supportive.  I didn’t feel any pressure at all.  And it wasn’t all depressing and morose either.  They were very positive and honest.

Dress – Torrid / Boots – Craigslist / Necklace – SLOANE99 on Etsy

It’s all very new to me, I’ve only been to one meeting, but I’m hoping it will have a positive influence on me and my eating.  And you will get to read all about the exciting adventures as I go from meeting to meeting!  I know, you can hardly stand it right?  Patience is a virtue my friends.