Tag Archives: self image

I know, right?

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yeah, it’s been how long?  you can count if you want to, I just know it’s been MONTHS since I’ve posted.  Sometimes being in a funk lasts way too long.  Did you miss me?  I missed me!!!

So, no outfit pics today, although I have been wearing them, and they’ve been fabulous, of course.

Just wanted to do a quick check in.

Also, have you met the Militant Baker?  She’s quite awesome.  She also has a great Facebook page, if that’s more your style.  She recently wrote about what google says about fat shamming (or any body shaming) and created some great ads against it.  Then a whole wonderful bunch of her readers also created some.  Fabulous!!!

I created one, I think it’s just ok, but they were all so good!  you should go check them out!

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Toothally awesome

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You can thank my brother Joe for the title of this post.

And I obviously have a problem with consistency.

Back in the day, when I was in grade school, we had a big slide that we would run up during recess.  One day while I was running up it, I fell on it face first and cracked my front tooth.  Half of the tooth broke off.  I got it repaired, thankfully, and stopped running up the slide.

Over the years, the false part of my tooth started to stain from coffee, pop, whatever.  I started to get very self-conscious of it.  Little kids would ask me about it, and I felt like when I smiled, people were looking at it and wondering.  It was my very front tooth after all!

I started smiling with my mouth closed, and would try to cover my mouth when I laughed.  I didn’t always remember to be self-conscious, but enough that it soon became more natural to hide it than to forget about it.  If you look back at most of my posts, my mouth is usually closed.

A few years ago I asked my dentist about getting fixed.  He said that it was considered cosmetic, so insurance wouldn’t cover any of it, and it would cost at least $1000-$1200.  Not a lot for some people, but that was a lot for me.  I tried saving but of course just could never save up that amount, or least couldn’t justify spending that amount all at once.

Kind of forgot about it and kept smiling with my mouth shut, until a couple of months, I was answering some questions on a blog post, and I mentioned how I would love to get my tooth fixed.  I never really talked to family or friends about it, I figured it was just something I had to deal with and didn’t want to make a big deal about it.  So, I finished my post and blogged it, and promptly forgot about it.

A few nights later, boyfriend Steven and I are watching TV and both on our computers.  I get an email from the boyfriend which says how proud he is of me for all my hard work, and that he would like to pay for my tooth.  So very sweet and touching and unexpected.  First, I loved that he emailed me while we sitting there together.  Second, I knew he read my posts sometimes, but it was still a surprise, especially since I had forgotten I had even mentioned it!

I went to the dentist to discuss it, and the dentist told me that because it was actually breaking down and so old that the insurance would pay for part of it.  Joy!  I ended up getting a brand new replacement crown, after hours of torture…not really, but I did have to bite down on a piece of gauze for 5 minutes, and if you know anything about me, you should know that I DETEST having fabric or materials in my mouth, and especially hate having to bite down on it.  SHUDDER

It was still quite a bit of money, and I haven’t been able to truly express to Steven how much his gift means to me.  I’ve been trying to reteach myself to smile without covering it up, and without being self-conscious.  It’s very hard but it’s a good kind of difficulty.  I know it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme, and that it’s pretty much all vanity on my part, but I did have issues with it.

I was always jealous of beautiful smiles I saw everywhere.  I hated when I would forget in a picture and then all I would see was my ugly front tooth.  When I was talking to friends about it, most said “I never even noticed your front tooth!”  Very sweet and supportive.  But, we all have our own issues, and we all have appearance issues.  This was a major one for me.  Sometimes I could forget about it, and other times it would make me extremely sad.  I realize that might not make sense, for it to be forgotten about sometimes and a major issue other times, but it’s true.   That’s just how I am!

Sorry for the wordy post, just felt the need to explain some of this.

Seriously though – learning how to smile again?  It’s really a wonderful experience.  When the dentist handed me the mirror to see my new tooth, I actually cried, and made the dental assistant tear up a bit too.  Argh, I’m a bit teary now.  Shut up.

Ready for cheese?  First picture shows the old tooth, which is actually a bit hard to see.  Second picture is a major goofy picture sporting the new tooth.  And please ignore how truly weird I look in both pics.  You are looking at the teeth only!

toothy

cheesy

So dated

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Dress – Angie (from consignment) / Boots, leggings – Lane Bryant / Flower pin – made by my friend Brenna

This dress reminds me of something Winona Ryder would have worn in the 90s.  All I needed to complete the look – a black choker necklace, hair wraps, and my black Doc Martens.  (And do you think I could actually find a decent picture of her wearing anything similar?  Apparently I have no real concept of 90s fashion…I TOLD you I was numb during the 90s.)  BUT after writing this post, I saw this blog post and it totally shows what I’m talking about!!  VINDICATED

Not what I was going for, meh

This is another find at the consignment shop, Two Big Blondes.  Brand name is Angie, which I know absolutely nothing about, except that you can’t even access their website unless you are a current customer.  Apparently I totally scored on this dress.

I totally love the pattern and draw string neckline.  The tiny little silver parts on the end of the ties jingle all day long, so I couldn’t sneak up at anyone at work if I wanted to. I don’t sneak up on people at work, but it’s nice to have the option.

And these boots!!!  They fit!  And you are saying “Of course they fit, why would you buy items that don’t fit?”  Well, Miss Attitude, if you must know – months ago I ordered a bunch of boots from Lane Bryant. I was too lazy to go shopping physically, and even though I hate online shopping, I figured I could return whatever didn’t fit.  All 3 pairs didn’t fit, but it took me another 2 months to get ready to return them. I decided to return these ones, and keep the other ones, because I could use the Boot Bands on those.  I tried these on one last time though, and they zipped further than they had before, so I said “F*ck it, I’ll keep them.”  And today they zipped all the way up!

It’s exciting!  It’s seriously hard to find wide calf boots that fit, are cute, and not totally expensive.  It has made me sad on numerous occasions.

Also, in this previous post, I tried to talk about promoting a healthy love of one’s self, while also justifying losing weight.  I’m not sure I did a good job of it.  WORDS ARE HARD.  But the gorgeous gal over at French Toast is Vegan totally nailed it in this post.

A half marathon almost killed me.

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Ok, I have been very very lame in posting.  I am sorry!

 

Yesterday was the half marathon down in Vancouver.  I really had a lot of apprehension about doing it.  I had started training earlier in the year and was doing well, then I just stopped.  I started again about 2 months ago, but my heart wasn’t in it.

Then I had to decide if I still wanted to go and try the marathon or just give up all together and wait for another one.  I knew I wouldn’t complete it, and it seemed like a big effort for something I wouldn’t even finish.  But, I have many wonderful friends and family and everyone was so supportive and they helped me realize that it would be good for me to go.

So, Steve and I drove down yesterday morning, leaving at 4:30 in the morning.  We met our friend Deb there, and I did it!  I completed 7 miles of the 13.1 and I’m pretty happy with that.  It was farther than I thought I would go!  And my friend Deb completed the entire race!!  So proud of her.

I am very very sore today and tired, but happy.  Being overweight, it’s hard for me to feel comfortable doing events like marathons or anything relating to health and exercise.  I feel like people are judging me, but I also know I’m not in great shape, so I wonder myself why I am doing it.  It’s a hard mental state to get over.   There was a huge variety of ages and shapes and sizes at the marathon yesterday, it was excellent.

I am still learning that the only stereotypes I need to overcome are the ones I have myself.  It doesn’t matter if I’m fat, or short, or a female, or a redhead, I can do what I want and I can try to do everything.  I may not succeed, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try.

So, my next goal – I’d love to actually complete a half marathon!!!

Oh, and an update with my Swedish Weight Loss program (wrote about it in my last blog.)

I’m doing pretty well…down about 20 pounds so far.  It’s slowly getting easier.  Tracking food is still annoying, but I’m seeing success and it’s good.  The best thing is that I believe in myself, and believe that I can do what I need to make myself healthy.

Did I mention how crazy sore I am?  I mean, in places you wouldn’t even believe, like the back of my knees.

 

My new journey with Swedish

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Very long post……forgive??  I have inserted pictures throughout that have absolutely nothing to do with this post to break up the long rambling thoughts.

I am starting a new eating/weight loss program through Swedish Weight Loss Services.

Now, have I talked about being big but trying to have good self-esteem before?

It can get confusing.

First, let me state this – Fat does NOT always equal unhealthy, just like skinny does NOT always equal healthy.  Healthy and unhealthy run in all shapes and sizes.  I just happen to be fat and unhealthy.

I try to promote positive body image, self love, good self-esteem, and being kind to yourself.  Some people think this means I should be happy exactly how I am.  And I’m mostly happy, except that I know that I am unhealthy.  I’m not unhappy that I’m fat, I’m unhappy that I treat my body so badly.  I’m unhappy that I can feel myself destroying my body with the choices I make.  I make bad choices, and I don’t treat my body well, which has resulted in me being overweight.

I was not taking care of myself, and that makes it hard to feel good about myself.

Now, let’s say that I start eating better and exercising and I don’t lose weight, but my body feels better.  Great!  My self-esteem will probably sky-rocket!  I need to do what I can for myself, before I can’t do anything.

my awesome t-shirt

Do I love myself now?  Yes.  Will I still love myself if I lose 10 pounds?  Yes.  100 pounds?  Most likely.  But I will still struggle with self-esteem my entire life, and that’s ok.  I change, my body changes, my feelings change, that’s what life is all about.

So, onto the program:

First, I had to tell myself a few things right at the beginning – it’s ok to make mistakes.  It’s ok to learn as I go.  It’s ok to be unsure about what I am doing.

For a quick breakdown, here is what the plan I am following:

1300-1500 calories per day

130-150 grams of protein minimum

50-80 grams carb maximum

8 glasses water

take my vitamins

Before, I was eating about 2200 calories a day.  And my BMI is 44.5….wowza!

When I start new things, I have a tendency to freak out and totally give up if I can’t do it right, or if I think it’s too hard.  WIth this program, I do have to plan, I have to be ready ahead of time, I have to research which foods are better for me, and I have to track my food.  All things I don’t like to do. But, these are things that I AM capable of doing, if I just don’t sabotage myself.  Also, it helps if I don’t expect it to happen for me magically.  Seriously, it’s like I expect the fridge to be stocked with the rights food with no effort on my part.

My reflection at The Japanese Gardens

So, first day of tracking my food and I’m slowly starting to get worried and freaked out.  Why?  My calories are already off, I’ve already gone over my carb limit, and I still need lots of protein.  And I’m hungry, even though I’m eating every 3 hours.  OH NO I’M DOING IT ALL WRONG!!!  So, I mentally slapped myself across the face and made myself calm down.  Then I made some decisions.

1. It’s ok to make mistake (as stated above.)

2. I’m on a learning curve, so I need to give myself some time to learn and to adjust.  It’s a change, so it’s ok if it doesn’t come naturally at first.

3. I will make small changes at first.  Looking for higher protein/lower carb options.  Good!  preparing smaller portions.  Good!  Eating more often.  Good!

4.  I will NOT freak out about my calories being over limit in these first few weeks.  As long as they are under 2200, I think that’s great.  If they are in my limit, even better.  But I’m not going to let that be the biggest hurdle right now.

5.  I have to remember – what I’m doing now is WAY better than what I was doing before, so it’s ok to goof up and make mistakes and learn.  I’m improving.

It really can be exhausting trying to improve one’s self.  Thank goodness I don’t have much improving to do…HA!!!  But I really feel I’m at a good point to be making these changes.

I’m excited about this program.  I have a great doctor to work with and friends that are also following the program.  I feel confident this time.  I think I know what my limitations and my issues are, so I’m ready to deal with those.

Although I do wish pie was higher in protein than in carbs.

My lovely dogs playing at Deception Pass

Hot in the city (like, gross sweaty hot in Seattle)

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Yeah, I know, right?  Get all gung ho about posting then just desert y’all for months.

I’m lame.

But here’s a pretty picture to bribe you into forgiving me.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
 photo | Robert Downey Jr.

Borrowed from People’s Sexiest Man Alive

Anyway….what’s up with me?  Surprisingly, not much.  I decided I was in a major funk and am working on getting out of it.  I just started therapy (!) so we’ll see how that goes.  Trying to decide what I want to do, who to be, still working through my grief from losing my dad,  all kinds of junk.

Thanks to Groupon, I finally took a beginning sewing class.  I’ve wanted to do it for years but always put it off.  So glad I went.  It was easier than I thought and I made a kick ass bag!!

I think I’m a better sewer than photographer.  It was so much fun!  I was totally impressed with  myself.

LOOK!!  Gussets!  Isn’t that awesome!!!  I can’t wait to do more.  But I decided I need to clean out all of my boxes and junk before I start any projects.  I also want to start knitting again, and I just learned an awesome chain mail technique called Byzantine (pics later.)  But I have so much stuff to go through, especially stuff from my parents’ house that I need to organize.  I really just need to make some room!

Also, fun story!  There was a woman in my class that looked exactly like Julie from The Love Boat.  And although she went by a different first name, turns out that the actress’s real first name, and she does live in Seattle…so I totally took a sewing class with Julie!  I didn’t ask her, but it was her.  She was very funny and we had a great time.

So, I’m also feeling very inspired by the blog New Dress a Day.  Totally want to try some of this stuff!!!

My friend Brenna had an 80’s themed birthday party.  She and I were the only ones who dressed up, but that’s OK, I guess.  Here’s a very bad picture of my excellent makeup and hair.

I think I will regret posting this, but haters gonna hate.

So, on to the outfit posts!!!!

Dress – Dressbarn / Hair Flower – Brenna / Necklace – gift from craft fair  /  Sunglasses – Claire’s

So, it’s summer finally in Seattle, which means it’s crazy gross hot.  I’m not a summer person, I really don’t like the heat.  Fall is my favorite season.

I wore this to a one year old’s birthday party (cutie pie Benjamin!!!) and then to a family reunion bbq.  It was SO grossly hot that I just couldn’t put on a sweat or anything to cover up my arms.  I hate my arms, but sometimes comfort trumps my self-esteem issues.

Got this dress for super cheap because our local Dress Barn is closing, I think it was $16?  Woohoo!!!

Oh, and in this heat I really couldn’t cover up my ankles or legs, and you all know how much I HATE showing those.

Oh well, I got over it and didn’t even care that much.

This week it’s been even hotter, it got up into the 90’s today.  Just ridiculous!  I really can’t stand it, it makes me quite grumpy actually.

At least my work place has air conditioning.  My previous job was in an old building with no AC and the windows opened above the alley with the dumpsters from our building and the hotel next door.  So not cool.  Quite disgustingly stinky hot it was.  Oh, and we got to see the druggies passed out and occasionally someone turning tricks in the alley, but only on special occasions.

OH!  I also spent a weekend fishing with my brothers up at Mineral Lake.  They used to go every summer with my dad and this year I went with them.  It was very sweet and good and wonderful and sad.  We took my dad’s ashes up there, he always loved going up there.  I got to fish too!  It was good to have time to say goodbye to my Dad, even though I still wish he was here.

Ha!  For once my makeup was decent, even if it only lasted as long as I was in the air conditioned car.  Have I mentioned how I HATE THE HEAT?

So tomorrow, I’m going to my 20 year high school reunion.  Quite excited actually.  We had a very small graduating class, less than 50 girls, so it should be lots of fun.

Red headed school marm

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Hey, guess who’s a redhead again?  Well, yes…Lucille Ball…..yes, Christina Hendricks.  But….YES, Alyson Hannigan too!  and Annie!!  Sheesh!

I meant ME!!!  I’m red again!  I was red for about 15 years, then went blond about 7 years ago.  I’m so happy to be red.  I love this color!  I love the blond, but I really love this.

I was ready to do this a month ago, but had to wait because my hair wasn’t ready.  My stylist is the best!

It was also good to wait to make sure it was what I wanted.  When I mentioned it to Steve, he asked if I was doing it because I wanted it, or because I was depressed and needed some sort of change.  It was a good thing to think about.  I was extremely depressed then, and am only slightly less now.  And making big changes when I’m in the middle of a depression is not a good thing, but unfortunately is a habit.  But, I knew that I really wanted it, and I had been thinking about it for months.   It’s a good change, I feel refreshed, and happier.

I splurged a tiny bit with my tax refund, and bought a new dress!  At first it gave me a 70’s sort of vibe, but after wearing it all day I felt more like a grade school teacher in 1982 getting ready to let my class leave for Halloween festivities.  Don’t ask where that came from.  I don’t question my creativity or genius, I just accept it, and so should you.

Dress & tights – Torrid / Boots – thrifted / Necklace – Fuego (gifted)

Seeing the pattern like this reminds me of my grandma’s davenport.  It had a similar pattern and it was one of those sofas that has the velvety feel when you rub it one way and rough when you rub it in the other direction.  For years I thought any sofa made out of that material was called a davenport.

And now, for some pics that came out a bit goofy, but weren’t so horrible that I had to delete them:

I was hoping to be at a point where it doesn’t take me 20 bad pictures to get one halfway decent one, but apparently I’m not as photogenic as I like to think.

Or I just get stupid when there is a camera in my face.