Very long post……forgive?? I have inserted pictures throughout that have absolutely nothing to do with this post to break up the long rambling thoughts.
I am starting a new eating/weight loss program through Swedish Weight Loss Services.
Now, have I talked about being big but trying to have good self-esteem before?
It can get confusing.
First, let me state this – Fat does NOT always equal unhealthy, just like skinny does NOT always equal healthy. Healthy and unhealthy run in all shapes and sizes. I just happen to be fat and unhealthy.
I try to promote positive body image, self love, good self-esteem, and being kind to yourself. Some people think this means I should be happy exactly how I am. And I’m mostly happy, except that I know that I am unhealthy. I’m not unhappy that I’m fat, I’m unhappy that I treat my body so badly. I’m unhappy that I can feel myself destroying my body with the choices I make. I make bad choices, and I don’t treat my body well, which has resulted in me being overweight.
I was not taking care of myself, and that makes it hard to feel good about myself.
Now, let’s say that I start eating better and exercising and I don’t lose weight, but my body feels better. Great! My self-esteem will probably sky-rocket! I need to do what I can for myself, before I can’t do anything.
my awesome t-shirt
Do I love myself now? Yes. Will I still love myself if I lose 10 pounds? Yes. 100 pounds? Most likely. But I will still struggle with self-esteem my entire life, and that’s ok. I change, my body changes, my feelings change, that’s what life is all about.
So, onto the program:
First, I had to tell myself a few things right at the beginning – it’s ok to make mistakes. It’s ok to learn as I go. It’s ok to be unsure about what I am doing.
For a quick breakdown, here is what the plan I am following:
1300-1500 calories per day
130-150 grams of protein minimum
50-80 grams carb maximum
8 glasses water
take my vitamins
Before, I was eating about 2200 calories a day. And my BMI is 44.5….wowza!
When I start new things, I have a tendency to freak out and totally give up if I can’t do it right, or if I think it’s too hard. WIth this program, I do have to plan, I have to be ready ahead of time, I have to research which foods are better for me, and I have to track my food. All things I don’t like to do. But, these are things that I AM capable of doing, if I just don’t sabotage myself. Also, it helps if I don’t expect it to happen for me magically. Seriously, it’s like I expect the fridge to be stocked with the rights food with no effort on my part.
My reflection at The Japanese Gardens
So, first day of tracking my food and I’m slowly starting to get worried and freaked out. Why? My calories are already off, I’ve already gone over my carb limit, and I still need lots of protein. And I’m hungry, even though I’m eating every 3 hours. OH NO I’M DOING IT ALL WRONG!!! So, I mentally slapped myself across the face and made myself calm down. Then I made some decisions.
1. It’s ok to make mistake (as stated above.)
2. I’m on a learning curve, so I need to give myself some time to learn and to adjust. It’s a change, so it’s ok if it doesn’t come naturally at first.
3. I will make small changes at first. Looking for higher protein/lower carb options. Good! preparing smaller portions. Good! Eating more often. Good!
4. I will NOT freak out about my calories being over limit in these first few weeks. As long as they are under 2200, I think that’s great. If they are in my limit, even better. But I’m not going to let that be the biggest hurdle right now.
5. I have to remember – what I’m doing now is WAY better than what I was doing before, so it’s ok to goof up and make mistakes and learn. I’m improving.
It really can be exhausting trying to improve one’s self. Thank goodness I don’t have much improving to do…HA!!! But I really feel I’m at a good point to be making these changes.
I’m excited about this program. I have a great doctor to work with and friends that are also following the program. I feel confident this time. I think I know what my limitations and my issues are, so I’m ready to deal with those.
Although I do wish pie was higher in protein than in carbs.
My lovely dogs playing at Deception Pass